Strong Enough

The past 3 years have been full of ups and downs for me. I got divorced. I got married. I have 2 amazing daughters, and gained 2 amazing “daughters”. I lost 40 lbs and did 7 Triathlons, from Sprints to an Olympic, individual and team. I found true friends, true strength, and also true love. I found out that people aren’t always what they seem, and as I was reminded tonight (Thank you Superman), that you never really know a person until they become your enemy. Sad, but true.

I also found out that no matter how strong I think I am, I’m not strong enough to do it on my own. There are many things I can do, but even I need help now and then. I’m stubborn as a mule, but I’m also soft as a feather pillow. And underneath it all, I’m not nearly as strong as I lead people to believe, and my faith gets tested. And tested hard! So much so that even I wonder “why?”

I get upset! I hurt! I want to yell and scream! I want to run… and run… and run… I don’t even know where - just away. Thinking that if I run far enough, or long enough, or hard enough, that I will run away from the pain. Run away from my problems. But I can’t. I can’t run away from any of those things. Because running doesn’t take care of any of it! It may help for a brief period while I’m out there, but ultimately, I have to run back – home. Home.

For Christmas this year, our daughter gave us a plaque that said “HOME is where you unpack your heart not your stuff. My gosh, if that didn’t hit the nail on the head! My heart is home and it’s not going anywhere anytime soon. I have never felt as much at “home” as I have in the past 2 ½ years. I have also never felt as scared. I’m scared I’m going to lose it all because there is just so much going on in the background. And every day it’s something new. Something else. How much more can I take? How much more can we take? How much more? How much more God!?!? I can’t take much more! I’m not strong enough! I can’t do this on my own…

Now more than I ever, I need to find my faith. I need to find my strength, and His. I know He’s there. I know He’s always been there. I know that my life is easy compared to others and I don’t understand. How can I not be strong enough? Because I’m not! I’m not strong enough to deal with my children being hurt and used as a tug-of-war rope. I’m not strong enough to deal with the repeated hits over and over again. I’m not strong enough to deal with everything all the time. “No matter how numb your body gets, your mind still feels the pain.” I have reached rock bottom and I am looking up. There are clouds and there is snow. But still, I am looking up… and reaching out. I’m strong enough to do that.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand...

I have unanswered prayers. I have trouble I wish wasn't there. And I have asked a thousand ways that you would take my pain away. That you would take my pain away. I am trying to understand, how to walk this weary land. Make straight the paths that crooked lie Oh Lord, before these feet of mine. Oh Lord, before these feet of mine. When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands. When you walked upon the earth, you healed the broken, lost & hurt. I know you hate to see me cry. One day you will set all things right. Yeah, one day you will set all things right. When my world is shaking, heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave your hands. Your hands that shaped the world are holding me. They are holding me still. "Your Hands" by JJ Heller

I don't know about you, but there is something incredibly special about holding hands with a child - especially when it's your own! When you're walking along talking about the groceries you need to buy, or the things that need done at your house, or at work, or or or... and your child just reaches up and grabs your hand with theirs. Ahhhh. Peace. What a FEELING! What an INCREDIBLE feeling... Everything else fades away for the time being and no matter what else is going on in your world, it is not nearly as important as that moment when your child's hand is holding onto yours. The initial contact. The warmth. The trust. The love. The trust in that small hand that is holding yours. There is truly something to be said about the emotions that are evoked when a child reaches up and holds your hand. It is in that moment that you know that there is someone depending on you, loving you, trusting you and giving you THEIR love - unconditionally. No strings attached. Sometimes there are no words that can express how it feels when your child grabs your hand. Especially when you are having a bad day and nothing in it seems to have gone "your" way. Just that small gesture can make all the pain of the day go away, if only for a short time...

I wonder if that's how God must feel when we reach out to Him and grab His hand? We come to Him often broken with the many burdens of our life. And we reach out to hold His hand because in it we find what we most often need - peace, comfort, love, trust, STRENGTH. We reach out to hold HIS hand because, like children, we like to feel the hands of someone we love, we trust, we NEED. We want to find that security and comfort, too. We want to be a child and hold our Father's hand...

But how many hands can He hold at one time? How many hands does He hold? Does He know which hand is mine? Is there room for one more? Is there room for me??? All those questions. But what you really need to know is... There is room for you. There is always room for you. There will always be room for you. When you are hurting, alone, lost, happy, content, reach out your hand. He wants to hold your hand as much as you want to hold His. Don't be afraid to reach up and hold your Father's hand...

Peace <3

What Faith Can Do

Everybody falls sometimes. Gotta find the strength to rise from the ashes and make a new beginning. Anyone can feel the ache. You think it’s more than you can take. But you are stronger, stronger than you know. Don’t you give up now, the sun will soon be shining. You gotta face the clouds to find the silver lining. I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains. Hope that doesn’t ever end even when the sky is falling. And I’ve seen miracles just happen. Silent prayers get answered. Broken hearts become brand new. That’s what faith can do. It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard, impossible is not a word. It’s just a reason for someone not to try. Everybody’s scared to death when they decide to take that step out on the water. It’ll be alright, life is so much more than just what your eyes are seeing. You will find your way, if you keep believing. I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains. Hope that doesn’t ever end even when the sky is falling. And I’ve seen miracles just happen. Silent prayers get answered. Broken hearts become brand new. That’s what faith can do. Overcome the odds. You do have a chance (that’s what faith can do). When the world says you can’t, it’ll tell you that you can! I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains. Hope that doesn’t ever end even when the sky is falling. And I’ve seen miracles just happen. Silent prayers get answered. Broken hearts become brand new. That’s what faith can do. Even if you fall sometimes, you will have the strength to rise. (Kutless – “What Faith Can Do”)

I absolutely LOVE this song! I heard it first a few months ago on KLove radio while driving to work. As a new listener to the station, (Thanks Tammy again for introducing me to it), I was anxious to hear what kind of music they were going to play and was NOT DISAPPOINTED!!! I was bored of “mainstream” radio and wasn’t getting anything from it. It didn’t inspire me. Or motivate me. It just didn’t DO anything for me. Don’t get me wrong, there are some songs out there that have that something, but overall, I would much rather listen to music that has substance. Something you can sink your teeth into, if you know what I mean. I am in my car for an hour every morning and an hour every evening. Time is something I have lots of -- then! Lol So I try to use it wisely – well, as wisely as you can while in a car driving in rush hour traffic and always in a hurry to pick up my girls. I pray. I sing. I laugh. I cry. Yes, I even talk on the phone. Sometimes, I just drive… Mostly, I listen to music and reflect on my life and what God has in store for me. I think about the choices I have made, and the choices yet to come. I think about why and why not. I think about how I’m going to get through the night, what to make for dinner, how much laundry there is, and what work needs done around the house. I think about money and my girls. About love and the future. I just think way too much sometimes!

Anyway, when I heard this song, it was one of THOSE mornings. You know them. We all have them. The first set of lyrics just struck me right in the heart. It was like I had just been hit smack center with a wrecking ball and I knew right then and there, that no matter what was going on in my life, how hard I THOUGHT it was, that I would be able to get through it. I have had one heck of a year since my last writing. Life has changed dramatically, to say the least. From a 40 lb. weight loss, to participating in 3 Sprint Triathlons last summer and now training for a regular Triathlon. To losing someone who I thought was my best friend, to finding someone that is so much more than that, and more than I could EVER have dreamed of or hoped for - the love of my life and the love of a lifetime…

I don’t know what I expected last year when I got down on my knees and prayed for “something”. I surely didn’t expect God to do what He did and to change my life the way He has. I guess I should have known better… Believe me, there have and continue to be HUGE potholes in the road and have been for the past year and will be for the rest of my life. That IS life. However, it’s so much easier knowing that there is ALWAYS a bright side to ANY situation and that the strength you need to carry on comes from within… YOU. Isn't that what faith can do...

Peace and love my friends. I've missed you...

Running after You

I hear the voice, it's the voice of the one I love. He's callin' my name. (I hear you calling me Jesus.) I hear the voice, the voice of the one I love. He's calling my name. (Can you hear Him calling?) He's sayin' - "Come up higher, hear the angels sing. Come up higher, my beloved. Come up higher and leave this world behind." You find me to be beautiful. I am running, running after You. You've become my soul's delight. I am running, running after You. Here with You I found my life. I am running, running after You. You've become my soul's delight. I am running, running after You. Here with You I find my life. I am running, running after You. You've become my soul's delight. I am running, running after You. Here with You I find my life. One thing I have desired, this will I seek after, to dwell in Your house forevermore. Now I'm running after the thing that really matters. You've become my joy and song. (You've become my joy and song.) You've become my joy and song. (You've become my joy and song.) You've become my joy and song. Become my joy and song. I am running, running after You. You've become my soul's delight. I am running, running after You. Here with You I find my life. I am running, running after You. You've become my soul's delight. I am running, running after You. Here with You I find my life... Here with You I find my life... ("Running" Klaus Kuehn)

So often it seems we are running FROM something, not AFTER anything. We run from things we're afraid of. We run from adversity, from temptation, from each other. It's easy to run away. It's not that easy to run to. It seems like all I've done this past year is run. There have been times I feel as if I've been running FOR my life. Do you know how scary that is? How long can I run? How fast do I have to go? When will I reach the finish line? I don't think I have the strength to make it... Those have just been some of the thoughts in my head. The one thing that has kept me running, though, towards something, is the knowledge I carry with me that He is at the end of every run I've ever been on, or ever will be. Now, instead of wondering how long, or how fast, I think, just another step, just another step. Take your time, there's no hurry, He's waiting for You. No matter how long it takes me to get there. He is waiting and HE CAN WAIT. He knows that I'm running after Him and He can't wait until I get there!

When you're running the race of life, don't think about the finish line, think about who's waiting on the other side... And run to Him. For He is calling your name.

I'll Rise

Out of Your great love, You came down from glory. The Son of God to set me free. And for all my sin You gave yourself on Calvary. You rose so I can live again. And I'll rise because You rose. And I'll live because You died for me. I'll love because You first loved me. O Lord, You are my life. O Lord, You are my life. Though I may walk through the valley of the shadow, I know that You are there with me. And if I lose my way, I know Your hand will guide me. Nothing can take Your love away. And I'll rise because You rose. And I'll live because You died for me. I'll love because You first loved me. O Lord, You are my life. O Lord, You are my life. You're all I need. You are the One who makes my life worth living. Lord, here I am, take all of me. Take all my hopes, take all my dreams that I have held so dearly. Lord, please take it all. And I'll rise because You rose. And I'll live because You died for me. I'll love because You first loved me.

As I was sitting in the Good Friday service last night, I gave serious thought to my life up until now. I thought about the things I've done, the people I've met, the choices I've made, and what is yet to come. I thought about Jesus' life, how He lived, how He died, and how those things have affected me. I thought about the times I've turned to Him in prayers of thanksgiving, and in prayers of distress. I thought about the times I've given my life to Him, and how He has changed me. But most importantly, I thought about the sacrifice He made FOR ME and how/what I could do with my life to make his sacrifice worth something. Then I thought of the song above and I knew what I had to do. "I'll rise because You rose. And I'll live because You died for me. I'll love because You first loved me. O Lord, You are my life. O Lord, You are my life." I have to rise above any obstacle because nothing is bigger than His dying on the cross for me. I have to live because His life made mine important. I have to love because no matter how much it hurts sometimes, it's what I do best. He is my life and I need to live my life for and about Him.

This Easter, think about how best to live your life for Him. How can you rise against the things that seem insurmountable? How can you live in a way that honors the one who died for you? How can you love those that don't want to love you in return? Like Jesus. With grace, strength of character, compassion, unconditional love and prayer.

This Easter, rise and choose to live, for He is risen indeed!

I will walk by faith...

Would I believe you when you would say Your hand will guide my every way. Will I receive the words You say every moment of every day. Well I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see it. Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me. Help me to win my endless fears. You've been so faithful for all my years. With the one breath You make me. Your grace covers all I do. Well I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see it. Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me. Well I'm broken - but I still see Your face. Well You've spoken - pouring Your words of grace. Well I will walk by faith even when I cannot see. Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me. Well I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see it. Well because this broken road prepares Your will for me. Well hallelujah, hallelu. Well hallelujah, hallelu. (I will walk by faith). I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith. I will, I will, I will walk by faith. (Jeremy Camp - "Walk By Faith")"

I will walk by Faith." I wonder if that's what Jesus thought that day riding into Jerusalem on his donkey? Did He truly believe that God's hand would guide him every way and in everything He did? Did He already know what lay before him in the days ahead, or did each day bring something new? As we go through each day, how much do we truly walk by faith? How much do we give up to God above, our Maker and Creator? How much of what we say we've given over to Him have we truly let go of, and let God? I bet not nearly as much as we think... I have tried "walking by faith" this Lenten season. If you recall, several weeks ago, I decided that this Lent, I was going to give myself up to Jesus and be made whole again. I wanted to find out who I was and who I was meant to be before life got in the way with all its trials and tribulations. I decided to give up all the doubts and insecurities in my life and rely fully on God to get me through whatever life could throw in my way. I wanted to walk by faith. Well, I haven't. Not entirely. I'm not ready yet. But, I have made great strides. Each day before I get out of bed, I say a prayer - a prayer of thanksgiving for the day to come, a prayer of thanksgiving for the days that have past, and a prayer for peace and strength to get me through today. Each night before I go to bed, I say a prayer of thanksgiving for getting me through the day, a prayer of thanksgiving for the people in my life, and a prayer for peace and strength to get me through tomorrow. I am trying to walk by faith each and every day. He hasn't failed me yet, even though there are times where I've wondered where He is.

Like this one - this past Wednesday, we had to put down our beloved dog, Ammo. She had been w/us for nearly 13 years (her 13th birthday was today, April 4th). It was completely unexpected. She had been sick for a few years, and had definitely outlasted her prognosis. But, still, when the time came, it wasn't the easiest thing we've ever had to do. To be honest, it was absolutely, completely HORRIBLE! I haven't cried that hard or that much in a long time and I don't want to do it again anytime soon. That night, after it was over, I called my Mom and I told her I was so angry with God. I couldn't believe He had taken her from us and I truly didn't understand why or how He could throw something else at us like losing Ammo on top of everything else. I hadn't given up, but I was tired of fighting for what I believed in, and wondered how broad He thought my shoulders were? There's only so much one person can take and I felt like I had definitely reached my limit! The next day, my mom called during her Bible Study and said she had a scripture for me that came up after she had asked for prayers for our family. I found out later the scripture was Matthew 11: 28-30. "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." God had heard my cries for help! He knew that I was broken and battered and just wanted to give in and give up! When I was at my lowest, He found a way to remind me that nothing is too much for Him. I will continue to walk by faith, because this broken road does prepare His will for me.

Keep walking, no matter how long or how broken the road is. Keep the faith, for He will never give up on you.