It's a fear that keeps me wide awake in the middle of the night. When the expectations are too great and the bar gets raised too high. So I do the best with what I've gotand hope that no one knows that I strain to see how high I can. Try to stand on these toes until I'm measured, but You know better. So, thank You, Jesus. Even when You see us just as we are, fragile and frail and so far from who we want to be. So, thank You, Jesus. Even when the pieces are broken and small. Dreams shatter and scatter like the wind. Thank You, even then. So I put aside the masquerade and admit that I am not okay which may not be the thing to say but I'm not ashamed to need You more each day. We raise the standard and try to reach You but we'll never make it, and we don't need to. (Nichole Nordeman - "Even Then")
When I was growing up, I used to go to roller skating every weekend. I went so much, my parents bought me my own skates. I loved those skates! They were white with hot pink wheels & hot pink toe stops. (I had those skates up until just a few years ago when I sold them at a yard sale.) Those skates gave me great memories - especially doing the limbo! I could get pretty low, but never as low as some of the kids that grew up on skates and were 4 and 5 years old. There were some kids that could do full splits underneath that limbo bar, mostly boys! At that time, I judged myself on how well I did based on how LOW the bar was before I fell. I was younger then and a lot more flexible than I am now. Today, I judge myself on how HIGH the bar is before I fail. I have my own expectations of how I should rate as a daughter, mother, wife and friend. As of today, I have never met those expectations, nor will I. I've set my bar too high, but I won't/can't lower it. So, in the meantime, I keep trying and I keep failing. I have expectations of how I should perform in my job, and my boss and co-workers have their expectations. My boss expects me to know every little thing that goes wrong with his computer and how to fix it. I can fix a lot, but I'm not a computer expert. I'm expected to multi-task 15 different things at once and keep them all straight and get them done at the same time. I do well enough, but my bar has been set so high that sometimes it's impossible to meet.
So what happens when I realize that no matter how hard I try, no matter how tall I stretch on my tiptoes, I'll never be quite high enough? That I'll never be good enough to reach that bar? What happens then? What happens when I fail? What happens when I'm broken and shattered and there's nothing left? That's when Jesus comes in. That's when I get down on my knees and pray for His mercy. And that's when He reaches out and wraps His arms around me and I know that no matter how high MY bar is, His will never be too high for me.
How high is your bar?
