Saturday, January 3, 2009

Time that's left

What will you do with the time that's left? Will you live it all with no regret? Will they say that you loved till your final breath? What will you do with the time that's left? Oh, Hallelujah! Oh, Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Amen. What will you do with the time that's past? Oh and all the pain that seems to last? Can you give it to Jesus and not look back? What will you do with the time that's past? Oh, Hallelujah! Oh, Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Amen. What will He say when your time has come? When He takes you into His arms of love? With tears in His eyes will He say well done? What will He say when your time has come? Oh, Hallelujah! Oh, Hallelujah! Hallelujah! (Lord be present in all my ways, help me follow You all my days oh Father God.) Amen. What will you do with the time that's left? Will you live it all with no regret? Will they say that you loved till your final breath? What will you do with the time? (Mark Schultz - Time That's Left)

So often I find solace in the words of songs when my life is in disarray. It seems that the right song comes on the radio, or the cd, just when I need it and the message is directed right at me and the time and place I'm at in my life. As this is the first weekend of the New Year, the song above by Mark Schultz seemed very appropriate to the time of the year and to where I am in my life right now... "What will you do with the time that's left?" I don't know what I'm going to do with the time that's left. I don't know how much time I have. No one does. I don't really think about the "time" I have left. Right now, I'm thinking about how to get through the next minute, the next hour. I'm thinking about how to get through this day and into the next one without totally having a meltdown. Right now, I'm taking each minute as it comes and just getting through it. Life is hard. "Will you live it all with no regret?" I have SO SO many regrets. Some bigger than others. Some things I don't regret, but wish that the outcome would have been different. How can one live with no regret? How can you possibly know when you do something what the outcome will be every time. Life is unexpected, and it does unexpected things. I guess the only way to live life with no regret is to take it for all it's worth and live every minute of it with all the ups and downs that those minutes bring. "Will they say that you loved till your final breath?" I hope that's the first thing people say after I've breathed my last breath - that I loved. I loved with every fiber of my being and I spread that love to those around me even when my own heart was breaking. It's not easy to give love when all you want to do is receive it. But sometimes, it's just not your time to be on the receiving end, and when giving, aren't you also receiving? "What will you do with the time that's past? And all the pain that seems to last?" I don't know what I'm doing with the time that's past. Dwelling on it a lot. Regretting some, relishing more, never forgetting anything. The pain is ever-present, some pains are fresher than others, but they all hurt just the same. I'm storing those pains deep down in my heart, so I'll never forget where I've been, but knowing that I can always go forward... "Can you give it to Jesus and not look back?" I've given a lot of my pain to Jesus, but I've found that it comes back. Maybe I haven't been fully truthful with myself when giving my pain to Jesus because somehow I feel that I need to hold on to it so I don't forget what it feels like to hurt. Maybe I don't want to give it fully to Jesus because he has been through so much pain for me. I don't know. I often wonder if holding onto the pain isn't a way of using it as a protective shield against the other pains that come in my life? I give pain to Jesus, for a time, but I always look back. Some pains are harder to let go of than others. "When He takes you into His arms of love? With tears in His eyes will He say well done?" I know that when my time has come, His arms will be wide open and I will run as fast as I can into them, and we will both have tears in our eyes. Well done. Well done.

I know that my life to this point hasn't been lived without regrets, that it has been lived with love. I know that the time that's past has shaped me into the person I am and that the time to come will help shape me into the person I have yet to be. I know that the pain that lasts is with me for a reason, to help me find my way, whatever it is and that when I'm ready, I will give it to Jesus and not look back. Will I sing Hallelujah and Amen? Yes, but not always with joy, but as a prayer of thanksgiving that I have been given a life full of opportunities to feel pain, to give and to receive love, to have regrets. I will sing Hallelujah and Amen because I have been given a life full of the promise that when my time is up, I know that His arms will be wide open to receive me and that all the pain I have endured will be nothing like the love He has given me every minute of every day.
What will you do with the time that's left?